Dear family and friends,
While we would prefer to come to you with some sort of beautiful Christmas letter declaring how wonderful this year has been, we are instead hoping to fill you in on what is going on in our world and then ask for your support.
We are coming up on the 8 year anniversary (12/20) of Jentri’s arrival in our home. At 2 and a half years old, she had already sustained more trauma than many of us have ever known. We were told for the first few years that the behaviors we were seeing from her were “normal” for traumatized children and that she would grow out of them over time when she got settled into a new way of life. We pushed and pushed and were met with opposition- “She’s just a little girl. She’ll be fine.”
If you have no understanding of Reactive Attachment Disorder, I implore you to be curious and check out any of the links below. As we have relentlessly sought after the right treatment for our daughter, we have sat helplessly by as her trauma behaviors have wreaked havoc in our home. The irreparable damage caused in her first 2 and a half years has now caused irreparable damage for all in our home.
While things have been incredibly challenging from the beginning, they have been unbearable for the last 13 months. We had to involve police on multiple occasions prior to that, but since then they have been at our home on a regular basis. In her anger she has made multiple unsubstantiated claims of abuse resulting in multiple interviews our whole family must endure. Thankfully, the physical evidence, all of the video evidence we have, and reports from others have allowed the truth to prevail and provide us safety from legal issues. We have utilized every possible service in our area to no avail. Even the most recent social worker declared there was no other service we haven’t already tried.
The last 4 months have been excruciating as she has been in and out of inpatient (7-10 days programs meant for stabilization). We have been trying to gain access to residential treatment for 2+ years only to be met with closed doors, red tape, and price tags we have no way to afford. When asked how people pay $80,000-350,000, we are told to mortgage our home.
Much of the horror that we have experienced cannot be justly communicated on paper. I hope that you know us well enough to know that our first priority from the day she entered our home to now has been to protect her story and protect her from potential backlash that could come if others knew about her behaviors. We’ve also tried protecting ourselves. As we have shared some of her challenges in the past, we have been met with unbelieving friends, family, and educators. Certainly not everyone, but enough to make us leary of sharing. We, for the most part, have become isolated from so many people and places we love as we have turned inward from exhaustion- both mental and physical. It’s difficult for each of us to do even the most basic tasks because our minds, bodies, and souls are weary.
All of that to say, we have come to many of you for prayers quite a bit recently- and they’ve been answered! Jentri needs intense treatment for attachment disorders. Hours upon hours of paperwork and phone calls for the last 2 years have finally paid off: We were able to find an affordable option that accepted her into their program starting Monday, December 18! While we know this 3-6 month program will not likely be the last treatment program she will need, it is a step in the right direction.
Thank you for taking time to hear more about our story and praying along the way. Some of you already knew this information and have asked for ways to practically support our family’s healing journey. It is difficult to both share our intimate family details, as well as figure out the answers to “what can we do?” But here are some thoughts:
- Prayer. It trumps everything and we have found that now that more people know and can therefore be praying we feel more “seen” than we have in a long time. A few specifics:
- Travel mercies: the facility is about 7 hours away and we will need to travel back and forth at least monthly.
- The program can treat Jentri in a way that no other professional or program has been able to.
- Healing: We are all so incredibly traumatized. Pray that sleep returns and physical and mental health is restored.
- The 3 older kids: in many ways, the innocence of their childhood was stolen. And that just hurts in ways we can’t find words for, yet.
- Derek and I. We are strong but this kind of trauma is meant to tear families apart. May we have the perseverance and grit to keep parenting from faith.
- Red tape: This one residential won’t “fix” everything. The red tape, bureaucratic hoop jumping, and day in and day out fighting for Jentri and our family as a whole has taken its toll. We need options, funding, and more “yes”es in our fight!
- Practical Considerations
- The trip to and from the facility is about a 14 hour round trip. Gas, food, and lodging are all unforeseen expenses for the monthly required visits.
- In August when the tree fell on top of 3 of our cars, it also fell on top of our main chain link gate. If you have the know-how to repair it so we can take down the boards, that would be great!
- Also, in August, the tree put a small hole in the roof of the garage. Know anyone who could repair that? The estimates we got were astronomical…
- Meals. There are so many nights that we’d all rather starve than cook- that takes far too much brain power in this season (sad because we all love to cook!). Some things we can freeze or even a gift card to eat out.
- Lydia’s car’s transmission blew this week. The cost to fix it is more than the car is currently worth. We need her to be able to drive- it’s not just a luxury. With Derek, Dawson, and I all working full-time, Lydia has to help us navigate the other kids and family business. Plus she works. Not having a car is not an option if at all possible. We cannot add another big item to our budget right now. If you have a car or know someone selling something reasonably and in good condition, please let us know as soon as possible.
- In transparency, our house could use a professional to deep clean. The basics are almost always done but in our state of crisis there are so many things that have been overlooked.
Thank you for reading all of this and being willing to partner with our family. The day of adoption changed everything for us. We still need a community to rally around us as we navigate not only this season, but all those that lie ahead. RAD is a forever diagnosis. She will hopefully learn to live as a productive citizen of the world with the right treatment, but she will never have to stop fighting to be healthy. While she is away at treatment, the rest of us are going to also keep fighting to find our way back to healthy. I have added resources for those interested in learning more about RAD and what our family has been journeying through.
We love you- thank you for loving us in return!
Sincerely,
Derek, Andrea, Dawson, Lydia, Cohen, and Jentri
RESOURCES:
What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child With RAD
What Is RAD (J has disinhibited type)