“Trauma” and “trauma-informed” have become buzz words in our culture. While I’m thankful for that phenomenon, I have come to realize that what most know only touches the surface of reality. It’s important whether you have endured something traumatic or know someone who has (cough cough- everyone) that you love them enough to attempt to understand how trauma has fundamentally changed how they show up in life.

Lately I’ve been trying to grapple with the experience of feeling both joy and deep pain at the same time. It seems impossible, but the last almost 6 months have proven not only can it happen- it MUST happen. I saw a beautiful IG post today that put words to it better than I can (link below). It’s incredibly important to note, though, that the grief and pain can take over with little warning and right in the middle of joy.

Today begins the first day of Lydia’s senior volleyball season. Peep the shoes she’s been begging for for 2 years that we surprised her with for this special year. As I sat there watching Lydia play her first game of the day, I realized my heart was racing and my hands shaking. So I did a systems check like I’ve been taught: Why would my heart be pounding? And then it hit me: this very gym was the gym she played in last fall, the week Jentri tried to kill herself. Lydia pushed through her game while I quietly cried in the bleachers. As soon as she came off the court, she lost it so we left before the next game began.

I knew we were going to that gym today but that memory hadn’t crossed my mind at all. But my body didn’t forget.

And that, my friends, is how trauma works. It creeps in and tries to suck every ounce of joy from you. When you least expect it, your body responds without your brain consciously processing any feelings. Blindsided.

That memory hadn’t crossed my mind specifically in a long time. But my body knew it. As soon as I walked into this particular gym. Crazy how that works!

So here’s to the joy of today which existed alongside my grief and trauma response:

Waiting in the car for a sleeping Sadie to wake up (never wake a sleeping baby, right?!).

Cohen and Derek working out together at the gym because we are all determined to find our new healthy.

Lydia and her bestie ushering in their senior season by winning 6 out of 6 sets today with their team.